i've always had trouble with social interactions, since i was a child i have been uncomfortable around people. all the staring, conversations, inside jokes, thoughts that i couldnt read, all these thing have always made go a bit insane. im not sure exactly why i am this way, i cannot really pinpoint a exact moment in time where everything started to go downhill, ive always had friends and more or less a social circle than kinda liked me, so it doesnt seem to be a reason for the way that i am, and that honestly bothers me even more.
but what i can say is that its getting worse, i dont know if it was me changing schools and leaving all my "friends" behind, but recently i just been having a really hard time going outside, i think its all my fault because everything that i dislike and overwhelms me is about myself, it has always been about myself. not only i am extremely unhappy with the way that i look, i also really despise the way that i act, i tend to lash out and be bitter and angry to anyone for anything and i dont really know what to do about it i try to stop but i just cant, everytime anyone talks to me i feel the urge to run and hide and when i cant i just make them leave me alone by any means possible and its getting to the point where i just cant believe that anyone even tolerates me anymore.
i dont know if im exicted for summer or dreading it, i also dont know if im going to be around for when it comes, but that is not related to what i want to talk right now. its been getting hotter by the second in where i am and that reminded me that, oh yeah summer that doesnt come every year except it does, and despite the fact that ive never really liked summer for you know all the basic reasons, the heat the need to being half naked because of it and all that bullshit, i have been finding myself kinda looking forward to it or thats what i think, if im honest with you every year the same thing happens i get kinda exicted for the summer and im all like omg im going to ride my bike and lay in the grass and im going to wear like tanktops and shit, and then it comes and i end up staying in my room bored to death because i realize oh yeah i dont have any friends, i dont like my body or myself and i go out like once or twice have a panic attack in the middle of the street and then never go outside again.
i dont know whats wrong with me i just want to you know enjoy myself and my surroundings but i just cant seem to achieve it no matter how hard i try so i have just been giving up, but well we are not really gonna know if this year the story will repeat itself until summer acctually comes, so i guees i'll update if im still around.
i think im numb, i just want to lay down and let life run me over. i dont care whats going to happen i dont have much intentions of hanging around for much longer and if i somehow end up sticking around for a little bit longer i dont really think im going to do anything with the time that i got. i want everything to go to hell without doing anything about it, i want to just sit in a corner while my life gets destroyed, and when it happens i will not feel anything. i wont be happy, i wont be sad, i will just stay there and feel nothing.
im sorry marx or whoever. i know capitalism sucks and all that, but nothing brings me more joy and whimsy that opening a shein order made by little abused children. i love overpriced plastic, microplastics are my life.
i have always had a weird relationship with my body, for most of my life i dont think i ever thought about it, like i think for most of my life i didnt know that i had one that people saw and interacted with, when i went to the mirror there was nothing there, like an empty space, i didnt have one or at least i thought i didnt, but recently in the past like three years things changed, for the better or worse, and i "gained a body" or better said i realised that i had one.
this happened kinda abruptly, one day i just woke up and looked in the mirror and saw something and i have never really been the same. i think what i saw has definitely improved from what i saw that fateful morning but i have never really been happy with it, since that day ive never really liked who i saw, and this feeling has only been getting harsher and louder by the day, its no longer a "oh you could look better" and its has become a "you should be ashamed of who you are" and i dont know what to do with it. i tried losing weight, changing my clothes, my style, my attitude towards it, but nothing has really helped or "fixed" this feeling that i have, and if im honest with you i dont know how longer can i keep up with this, everyday gets worse and i dont think its going to be getting better any time soon.
im so close to the finish line but i feel like im fucking everything up, i dont know whats going to happen i have just a few more things to do and im done, i dont know what i am going to do with myself after that or even if my work is going to be good enough for everything to be alright, the general feeling is uncertainty and confusion. i guess well see what happens, hoping for the best but my expectations are not really high